My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
