She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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