Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.