I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
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new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
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Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor