My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
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he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
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I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead