I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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