we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
