Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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