Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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