I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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