i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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