enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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