I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
