I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
