why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
