U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
