If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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