I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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