i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
