wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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