She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
