Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
