I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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