I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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