She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
