the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
