after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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