I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
