don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
