every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
