dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
