she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
