Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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