oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Randomize
