my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
