Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Randomize
