So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
