When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
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I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
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what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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