Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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