I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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