I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
