Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
