I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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