Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
