If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
