ugly people sure do ruin things
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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