i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
