my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
