You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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