I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
