Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
