just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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