I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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