the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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