oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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