Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
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He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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