70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
