My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
