It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
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I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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