My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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