his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Let's get the cat blown out
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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