And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
